First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
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*updates tinder bio*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
The only equipped I am is ill.