First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
You Might Also Like
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.