[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
do u think theres a butter planet?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m already scared
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?