@nuttywhippet: Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it

@iwearaonesie: If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling "It's over here you idiot!"

@cjwerleman: Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

@jamiesont: Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@Tuna_Lover: I've gotta go. This bottle of vodka isn't gonna get arrested all by itself.