[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Trumpy Cat
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming