[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I identify as an antique shop.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.