[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.