[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em