[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.