[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
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I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I identify as an antique shop.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.