[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
This one’s “Alex”.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..