[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Hey I worked for it too!
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?