[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
When your best mate counts as a desk too
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Not recommended for beginners.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby