[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.