[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
🐕🍷
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.