[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Fluff me with a fork baby