[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?