First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people