*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
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Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If you love someone, let them sleep.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.