[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.