[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.