Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Dead sexy!!
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.