First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work