[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.