<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
somebody come look at this
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors