<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils