*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
You Might Also Like
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..