{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
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[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”