You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.