*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
So inspired right now.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
is this a warning or an offer?