[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry