[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.