[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.