[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.