Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Ferrari squats
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!