My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
You Might Also Like
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck