[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”