[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
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The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.