[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this