After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow