Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter