I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You Might Also Like
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
#merica
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?