*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.