*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
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wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Fill the pi帽ata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
if you鈥檙e on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “碌”
called? Student : Torrent
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
OMG 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: I鈥檓 feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I鈥檒l get a new one so my kid doesn鈥檛 notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Given the amount of clowns around here you鈥檇 think it would be more entertaining
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law