First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
You Might Also Like
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
This is Sparta
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Facebook Twitter