First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.