[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*