[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here