{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Not recommended for beginners.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“you recording!?”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Pretty much. 🤣
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives