{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I could NOT have put it better myself.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you