[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
How I like cutting carbs
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.