[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
You Might Also Like
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.